Edwin

It's a small world.  My parents bought a new house, in a city about 4 hours from where I grew up.  And today, UPS delivers a package to my parents' new house, addressed to Edwin.  (I think I've also referred to him as Edward on this blog, and probably something else that began with a vowel a few years ago, but I forget people's blog names.  He and I went to college together, about 1000 miles from this city, then we both moved to a large city on the other coast, where I currently live, and he moved to the city my parents are now moving to--we were very close friends from 1989-1998.)

It turns out, Edwin was living in my parents' new house as a renter while the previous owners were selling it.   Which means he has probably separated or divorced from his wife.  I hope he is doing OK.

I found his work number on google and called him.  I haven't heard back.  I don't necessarily want to see him, but it seemed kinder than returning his present to Amazon.

If this were a movie, it would be a cute-meet.  But it isn't a movie, and I absolutely know that even though I really, really did love him, it wasn't mutual (aside from him doing things like kissing me on the eyes, cuddling with me, holding my hand, talking on the phone for maybe 20 hours a week on average, for about 3 years, sometimes even talking about how no woman was attracted to him, when he knew I was, all that kind of stuff).

I don't regret breaking off the friendship with Edwin.  I really don't.  I'm so relieved he isn't in my life.  He took up all my romantic energy.  I only regret having allowed it to go on for as many years as it did.  But I can see why I did.  He absolutely sent mixed signals.

I don't understand why I draw men to me that are absolutely committed to being friends, who rely on my for that emotional energy, who do lots of things that could be read one way or the other, but ultimately, they don't want to fuck me, or don't want to have a relationship with me.  It makes me feel so unlovable and hurts my soul.