Tears at the surface

I feel like I'm blogging a little too much to keep it interesting.  I don't want this to turn into "and then for breakfast, I had eggs with toast."  At the same time, it does feel like a lot of emotional stuff is coming up right now, and that is what I use this for.

So Edwin was sweet and warm and genuine and lovely.  We talked about our lives, and things that mattered.  It sounds like his marriage is hard, but good.  He had all sorts of Jesus-stuff in his car.  "My little book of God" and Jesus loves me stuff for his 3-year-old.  It is interesting to think how very different my life would be if I had ended up with him.  When we were close, I was pretty involved with church, but mostly because I was showing up, trying to be present to get some sense of a spiritual life.  At a certain point, with no sign of a spiritual presence, I quit trying.  (I hope that isn't a metaphor for my romantic life.)

I mentioned John.  He is a kind, good man. He could tell when my tears were close to the surface and was empathetic.  He would clearly like to be friends again, and I don't want him in my life too closely.  It is just too painful.

I feel like my tears are on the surface a lot.  Maybe it is good in the long run, but it is kind of exhausting.